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The desperation in the air is becoming dense and starchy. It is killing off hope for those not protected by self-sufficiency. I keep asking myself if I'm safe... but I don't really have an answer to that. I don't know if I'm safe. It's gotten others. I've seen it. Why would I be spared? But it's okay. I have enough faith in myself and enough faith in this world to understand that all will be well.
This machine that's been operating with each of us as nuts, bolts and steel is falling apart. There are now pieces missing. Other pieces are in place, but no longer responding. The sensors are no longer going off to let you know when the engine will seize. But as I said... all will be well. All will be well. All will be well. I promise all will be well. This may have a new meaning later. If it does, you'll understand that one much better. Because then it will be obvious.
I remember a time in our lives when all eyes were on us. All rode with us. All relied on us. Somewhere along the way, those days ended. The eyes are still there. But the eyes belong to a new head.
I've protected this for a long time. But it's seeping.
I require many things of myself. If I don't then the earth will still make the same revolutions around the sun. I doubt a civilization full of thespians, harlots and simpletons would enjoy that. Nor would I. So I must take the first steps. I must correct these mistakes. I've been a coward to this date. And it served me well. But a coward is useless once they've run out of things to fear. And this is where I am found.
And I digress. There are folks in this world who are years behind in evolution and civilization. And these are the majority. Stages ahead, we find the others. Those who are ahead of their time. They will be reconciled in the years to come. The last group of people... the smallest... don't fit into any era. They merely exist. And not in this world. They exist in their own. I bring this up because I've found myself fighting through each of these three mindsets. It's getting out of hand.
As Ian Curtis said, "in time, we don't belong in our own lifetime."
So maybe we all end up the same in the end. Whether this is a blessing or curse has yet to be decided.
And that's that.
Now if we could only hit upon that center year. I'd really like to feel that love, and I'd even like to feel that pain. Because 2006 was the year in which I learned who I was and what I was capable of. I learned what I could have and what I deserve. I still had innocence, and yet I'd felt as if I had grown up long before. I knew my loss before it was even gone. And yet I think I kind of embraced it in a way. I now embrace it even more. Because I know that it gave to me more than it took away. And I think for me, that I really need to touch upon something similar to that right now.
The feeling is a year late to the party. And counting. It's taken me a long time to realize that this is what I need.
I know what's going on to some extent. I know what this vibe means. I'm not stupid. I just don't know how to react to it. But I do know one thing that I can do. And that it to focus on myself. Which is my main area of improvement starting tonight. I can no longer rely on my friends to provide any sense of self-worth or comfort in my current situation. The only person to support those needs is myself. I just have to learn how to accomplish this on my own.
And that's exactly what I need. I will grow on my own.
- Music:Smashing Pumpkins- Earphoria
I’ll pull the light to my eye
Hoping to catch some glimpse of shine
Hoping a beam will await me at the end
To lift me
Lift me above
Above the
Crookedness of mortality
Above the
Dankness of normality
Above the
Thoughtfulness of you
I grab the nearest star
Hoping you will grab on with me
Hoping to fly fly away
Far far away
Away from the
Emptyness of life
Away from the
Brightness of night
Away from the
Shallowness of youth
Towards the loveliness of you
And hand out the last few charms.
The key I've been searching for has been discovered. This key I speak of... it unlocks the chest. This chest I speak of.... it contains all of the love and respect and selfworth I rid myself of oh so many times. I'll wave hello, and wish I'd never waved goodbye. This love I speak of... it was distributed to my family, to my friends, to myself and life. This respect I speak of... it was saved for my parents who raised me through their own troubles, for my brothers who helped raise me and have fought for our country, for my sister who has held her moral ground for 18 years and for those better than myself. This self-worth I speak of... it was the drive behind my writing, the smile behind the smile, the wonder in my eyes and the potential for the future.
When all is unlocked, I will hear that which I haven't heard since the day it was closed.
But all you will hear, my friends, is a simple click.
Look ma, the sun is shining on me.
Someone was locked in with all I left. I fear what may happen if I finally face him again. The shame of ever locking him away. However, every earthly being seems to be far away from this life. So I will need him by my side. And I will happily welcome the spirit back. The spirit that has lifted me above all I've faced. Although this is the furthest I've found myself from the sunlight... I can see it.
I'm finally comfortable dismissing that which dismisses me. I'm comfortable leaving those who leave me. For I can never leave myself. Not again. I'll hold 'til my palms bleed. I'll hold 'til my muscles burn. But I'll never let go. I will reach the end. With or without you.
I've glimpsed the road.
It's almost over... throw away your four-leaf clovers.
- Mood:Inspired
- Music:SP- Machina//The Machines of God
It seems as if everyone is leaving. I know they need it. But what happens from here? In a year it may just be Jess and I remaining. Jimmy, DJ, Jesse Alex, Charlie and Dean will be gone in that time. Troy already left. Which makes me question myself. Because as they move on with their lives, mine will be a much darker place. And I'll have nothing to show for it.
This may be the explanation for retreating within myself... as I always do when I feel like I'm being left, or alone. I'm becoming very detached. When I become detached, my mind consumes me. Things become bland without, vivid within. And I create a medium. A medium in which I no longer distinguish fantasy from reality. Fact from dream.
Which I am entirely okay with.
- Music:Joy Division- Disorder
A life in retrospect. I'm a living retrospective. A dying introspective.
Everything is not as it has been. It is good. It is bad. The beginning is coming to an end. Some have been lost. Others gained. The importance of oneself is questioned and reaffirmed.
I'm thinking.
Let's skip the whole dodgy overtone and get down to what's really there.
I am happy. I am optimistic. I'm losing people. People are losing me. But I can live with it. Another ex is pregnant. Scratch that. the ex is pregnant. Oh how I've feared this day. It came with the sting of a nine tail across my spine. Along with the sting came a lot of realizations of where I am. And where I've been. The need to return to a body I once knew. A common subject with me. But this time, it's imperative that I go back. Back to those days when I could write things off in my mind. I was tenacious and I was romantic. I was happy pushing carts at Meijer and letting my mind wander into itself.
I've been avoiding the exploration of my mind for a while. And maybe it's time to put down the remote, the laptop, the phone. Turn on some Pumpkins and jot random notes on a pad of paper like the old days. There must be a lot built up in there. I'd really like to find out what it is. But I no longer have my space in the basement. My little cave down there was the outlet of my creative freedom. That room served as the callous for my world of unnecessary, yet oddly justifiable oddities.
Money is a problem. I love my new job and everything that comes along with it. But I need to get my license back and finish paying off my car in order to be effective for the company. And I sense that they're becoming impatient with me. But I'm determined to make this happen, to motivate myself, to stretch beyond my means... because it's been a very long time since I've exercised my will. I'd hate for it to get a cramp.
I want Tracy. For lack of a better explanation. I want her. I'll work for her love. I'll labor for the rest of my life if I have to. I don't care.
Notice I used the word 'want'. No more 'need'. For the first time in my life, I don't need a girlfriend. I want one. But in no way do I need one. It's a liberating feeling. The only people I need are myself and my very close friends.
I am happy. But in no way am I satisfied with myself. Which will soon be a distant memory. I just want to have a little fun.
I, however, am happy. Content.
But would love nothing more than to feel a bit of control.
We could be heroes just for one day.
But we could be there forever and ever.
- Mood:
lonely - Music:David Bowie
Purity. I need purity.
I'm in my own. World. Mind. Love. I am content. I am elsewhere. I am in me. In us. At peace.
I will possess all that is beyond the Earth.
I am the first individual in history.
- Mood:
peaceful - Music:Rise Against- From Heads University
My attempt at eliminating all that displeases me from my life has led me to the crux of my existence. I look in the mirror, and I love what I see staring back at me. However, when I look around my world, what I see is disappointing. It's not me. Now this may seem vain.
I have all the tools to accomplish what I need mentally. I'm good enough. But there are demons clamoring for my ankles... dragging me down. More tests than I expected. But I'll dig in my nails. I'll brush off the dirt. You see, the demons are also spitting dirt at me. Sometimes I mistake shit for dirt.
I can't stop. Can't breathe. Can't think. I don't need. Don't eat. Don't sleep. I just am. And I like it that way.
But sometimes I like the love of my loves proven to me. Not simply stated. But I love all of my friends. No matter what happens... what is said. All I've ever really wanted is that very thing. All I've said will be better assembled later. This is a million thoughts thrown together at once.
- Mood: lonely
- Music:Smashing Pumpkins- Joy
I am a good perso
Despi
False
The rest of you have no place
Some of you will under
The peopl
- Mood: calm
Our love for love is not enough anymore. It used to keep us dry on the rainy nights... wet on the dry ones. A shade from the sun and a light in the dark. No more, as it has become a crutch. For what injuries do we need a crutch? You know that love took us off our feet. Cut our knees out and scarred our waists. Left an imprint on the inside of our eyes, forever reminding us to stay away. Never to return. But we persist. We will look adoration in the eye, despite the imprint, and subsequently embrace it. Love does not strike fear in us. It does not hinder us. Oh how it tries. And though it cripples us, we are strong. Tenacious. Perhaps naive.
Don't let love... or, life as it were... scare you.
We'll Drink Up Every Line and Shoot Up Every Word
At times the stability of the mind is questioned. I find myself drifting mentally from where my body still lays. Looking down, its not all bad I guess. Its more unnerving than sad. I'd much rather be embarrassed than depressed. And embarrassed I am. I've never been at the point in my life where I'm completely satisfied with myself and the way I'm viewed. Oh sure, we were always told as children not to worry about what people think of us. After being told so, we were forced to dress up in those tacky button-up church clothes and glossy, blistering shoes just to impress the other "loyal servants of the Lord". That always got me. A society based on image telling their children its wrong to look in the mirror. They've always done that to us, you know? Fucked us up in the head for no damn reason. And they think we don't realize it.
I realized it. It's a mindset I'd carried with me for my entire life.The vain anguish of setting out to give certain people a specific image of yourself. Now that I'm past the point of my parents altering my perception, I've come to notice the sheer brilliance of self satisfaction. If I want to go in a seperate room of the house and listen to a less than 'rockin' album to get in the right mindset to write rather than going to party, then fuck it.
I was always told that I had to get good grades and have a certain opinion on sensitive subjects if I wanted a girl to love me. To even be interested. Though thus far in my life, I've found nobody who truly appreciated my worth... I'm completely confident that there is someone out there ready, willing and able to embrace my character. Patient enough to let me work myself out. Thats all I really am; a character. So predictable. My every step is foretold. And we all know that the inevitable is coming. What is the inevitable? Well I guess you'll have to wait and see.
I remember this time as a child of about four. My mom grew tomatoes in the garden in our back yard. When tomatoes are grown, the plant is placed in the center of a metal wire that is bent in somewhat of a spiral. It sticks into the ground, and the plant grows into it, using the wire to support itself until the stem is strong enough to be self-sufficient. It was mid-winter and my dad came outside to find me throwing a ball into these metal 'hoops'. Despite my best effort, the ball didnt fit and continuously bounced away. When asked what I was doing, I told him that I simply wouldn't stop until I got one to land in the center. I didnt understand that unless I took up welding, the ball would never fit. That memory has become much more significant lately.
- Mood:
pensive
As far as blogs, this is much more upbeat than many I've been pumping out for almost 3 years now. I think I'm working close to 275 over that time period. Averaging out around 3.8 a week. Some I'm proud of. Some I'm not. But as negative as they were... they were how I felt at the time.
Thanks for reading. I love input, and I love to know that few of you can connect to and understand what I intend.
In the words of DJ Brown, I love you all.
- Mood: content
You claim to be so romantic that way
All you get is a ghost staring back
And a rainbow of greys and off-white’s
Never satisfied, despite your sand-dollar eyes
One kiss and I’m ready to die
A luxury few are so lucky to have
But unlucky to have not yet experienced
With the one that will be the rapture
Like a lovely Armageddon
An end to all searching and dreaming
You will never know the feeling
Because you won’t let yourself have more
More than the ghost and mundane rainbow
I have death by love
And you have death by death
- Music:Band of Horses
Don't say you didn't notice.
Its impossible to ignore the green and blue lining of everything surrounding us.
The faint traces of contrast had better last.
But it'll take something more this time
To retrieve the kiss this night is yearning for.
That every night is yearning for.
Our certainty has sprung a leak.
A toss up of sorts.
You know the undecipherable noise is wrong.
I always knew it would come to this.
Relying on colors to decide fate.
Lets talk about something new.
In the land of the last goodbye
There is no more to wonder.
And in the world of shades of black and white
Wonder is all we have.
And hope is all we need.
- Music:Zwan- Love to Love
Despite what the world has told me, has shoved down my gullet, I am a firm and true believer in the stories considered legends. Those which are considered fable, fiction. There is one person I seek. In actuality, three.
First, I seek myself. Friends and loved ones who truely know me, know that I am quiet. Know that I am never sound of mind, but entirely sound of heart. Full of love and never willing to believe that it is not real. Never willing to fight just because and relentless in seeking the answers I have never been able to find.
Second, I seek Keenan. I had him as a child. I knew him, even after he left this world. He was always there with me. And I with him. I live each day trying to discover what it is he would have lived for. What it is he would want me to live for, and how to do it. Somewhat sad that I rely on something so abstract to learn how to live my life. But nothing will ever amount to a brothers love. And nothing will ever keep me from returning to his side. And he to mine. I seem to have lost him.
Finally, I seek one person.I am a firm believer in the idea that there is someone out there who is completely and utterly mine. Someone who believes in the romance and adoration portrayed in old novels and movies. Stories of reverence. She will be loved and adored. Held upon a pedestal. If she doesnt want to be treated like the only girl in the world, then she isnt for me.
If you want love, you must be love. If you bleed love, you will die loved.
I will never die the internal death. And never succom to poetic tragedy.
- Music:Smashing Pumpkins- The Last Song
